Day Nine

I went to another meeting tonight. I was oddly excited to go. It kind of feels like a release to be around other people who understand this monster inside of us and listen their stories. I mostly listened, but I did raise my hand at the beginning to signal that it was my first time at this meeting and   told them I was 9 days sober. Everyone clapped. They talked about the fourth step and having faith. Afterward, more ladies came up to introduce themselves and give me their numbers. One crazy-eyed lady with a proclaimed three months of sobriety talked to me at length about all the next steps i needed to take and all these great women's meetings around lunchtime most days of the week. I smiled and nodded politely, thinking "Who the fuck has time to go to an hour long meeting during lunch every day?" In her defense, she was just being kind and inclusive. It was me that was already putting up walls so I didn't start ugly-crying in front of everyone and asking when I would start feeling human again.
An older lady approached me and asked if I had a sponsor and if I would be willing to share a brief version of what brought me here. I told her that no, I didn't have a sponsor and that I was here because I wanted to stay in sobriety. She offered to be my temporary sponsor and to call her tomorrow. She seems nice. I hope she's not too nice, because I might seem timid and broken right now, but I know there is a stubbornness and rage within me that will probably be a challenge for most  sponsors. I told her I might need boot-camp-level sponsorship and wouldn't you know she straightened that cardigan over her shoulders, leveled her eyes at mine and in no uncertain terms told me that she hadn't come by twenty years of sobriety by being a nice little old lady.

Okay nice lady, lets do this.