sojourn to sober

Not a good day. Not even an average day. A barely tolerable day. I was exhausted and scared. I made it through the day, called the number and set up an appointment with the guy. I fell asleep a little easier that night, with the aid of more melatonin, tea and a meditation app.

3 am: I wake up in my usual fog with no recollection of going to bed. The lamp next to my bed is still on and I'm half sitting up, reclining into a few propped up pillows. As usual, anxiety seizes my chest and I panic, wondering if anyone realized I passed out drunk without saying goodnight to the kids. Did they assume I was exhausted and just let me sleep? Worse, was I "awake" and attempting to talk to my family in my blacked out stupor? My mouth is bone dry. I have to pee. I check my phone. No messages. Phew. Back to "sleep" for a few more hours. 9 am: Wake up to my phone ringing. Ignore. I blearily look around and notice a few empty Whiteclaw cans around my room. Hmm. That's not a good sign. I chug some water from my Yeti, toss the cans and stumble upstairs to see what the kids are up to. There are dirty dishes with toast crusts in the sink, so I assume they made themselves something to eat. The 8yo is on the couch watching cartoons on the iPad and the ...

It's the weekend, finally. I've put in at least 50 hours at the hospital, another 20 studying and I am exhausted. I threw a diaper sprinkle for a classmate (at a bar) around noon and had three vodka sodas. We got home around 4pm. I sipped two skinny seltzers and folded some laundry even though I really just wanted to take a nap. The kids are craving my attention and subsequently driving me nuts but all I want to do is crawl under the covers and go to bed. It's 5 pm. My parents sense my "fatigue" and offer to take the kids out to dinner. I gratefully accept and before they are out of the driveway, I've poured my first drink. A can of skinny seltzer with a shot of vodka to top it off, you know, because I'm making sure I'm not DRUNK when they get home. I liberate myself from my bra, dive into bed, put on a mindless show and begin skimming Twitter. Finally, relief. I have a few more drinks. #bye